It is just different this time

I have been thinking a lot lately about how different I feel postpartum with Calum than I did with each of the girls. Each experience has been so different, and each has determined how I approached motherhood with each child. I don't want to judge each experience. I firmly believe that I needed each experience to grow as a woman.

With Shianne, we were in such survival mode. So much had happened in our lives that we were just treading water to stay alive while learning what to do with this new baby. Her birth was so traumatic for me. I never allowed myself the time to check in with my emotions. I was so concerned with keeping everything together that I did not enjoy every moment like I should have. I did not know that it was supposed to be any different. We really grew up together.

With Nora Beth, I was in a really dark spot. I had some problems with postpartum depression. I kept up a good false front, but inside I was sinking into a dark hole. When I reached out for help, I felt brushed under the carpet. I felt like I was treated as "there is no way the doula could be having problems, she is supposed to know how to make it better." It did not help that Nora Beth made constant noise (read SCREAMED) for the first two years. I had this perfect little girl and yet, this dark hole was all consuming for me. I threw myself into my work. In some sick way, I felt that if I could make it better for another mom, then I could heal myself.

Now, here I am, 3 months postpartum with Calum and I am just loving the experience. It is so different. This is the way it is supposed to be. I never mind getting up with him in the middle of the night. I actually look forward to it. Smelling the top of his head is like a drug to me, I can't get enough of it. I have no depression. I do not feel guilty just spending the whole day cuddling with him. The housework and dinner can wait. I am just so filled with joy. My head is so clear. Every mom should have this experience. We got off to a rough start physically, but my mental health was so good and I was so supported by those around me that it now barely registers as a bump in the road.

I have talked quite a bit about all the letting go that I had to do with this last pregnancy. I can really see now that I had to let go of all that "baggage" so I could be open to all the receiving that I have allowed for myself. I have always been the type of person who does for others, and does not take the time to fill myself back up. Well, I am feeling really full right now, almost bursting. I really have the most amazing husband and friends. They have all been right there for me, nurturing me, being there for every thing that I need. For that, I am eternally grateful. This support has allowed me to be the best mom possible. I have no idea how I will make it up to them, except to be there for them when they need it.

Calum is now three months old. He just gets bigger each day. He is such a happy, laid back baby. He has the sweetest giggle and really recognizes the people in his daily life. He is on the verge of rolling over. Still does not sleep during the day, but is a great sleeper at night. His sisters are so good with him. Nora Beth makes sure he is constantly smothered in hugs and kisses and Shianne is great at keeping him happy. Shianne is such a big help to me.

I am more in love with my three kids each day. They are each such individuals. They amaze me by their depth and knowledge. I can get lost in each of their blue eyes. I feel grateful that I have had so much individual time with each child, the direct result of their age gap. Growing up, I had this vision of what my family would look like. I am happy to say, that my reality is so much better!

Again, I am just loving this experience. I am so in love with Calum!

My Postpartum Reality

I have said this before, this whole pregnancy experience has been about me learning how to let go of control. I was not able to control any aspect of the pregnancy or birth, so why should postpartum be any different.

I felt so good about getting so many things prepared so, when Calum was born, I could just focus on him. Activities for the girls were set up, meals were being delivered, housework taken care of, etc. What I did not prepare for was me not healing the way I should.

I bounced back so quickly after both girls, that I assumed all would be well this time. I did everything right during the pregnancy and had a wonderful, intervention free birth. Calum is perfectly healthy and even allowing me to get some sleep. I have essentially been on bed rest since he has been born.

I have been having some symptoms that something was just not right. When I spiked a fever last week, my midwife said it was time for me to see a doctor. Unfortunately my OB/GYN suddenly retired and left me in the situation of needing to be seen ASAP and trying to find a doctor on a Friday that would see me then. I finally found one that got me in (thanks to my line of work, I knew somebody in the office and pulled some strings). Lamar has been really worried about me and felt relieved that I was finally being seen.

Lora came over to get Nora Beth and keep her occupied while I went to the doctor. Lora got across town before I realized the pickle I was in at home. I got Calum all ready to leave the house, went out to the van and realized that I had a dead battery. There was no neighbor home to help me out, Lamar was at work and Lora was across town. She drove back to my house and picked me up and took me to my appointment. Lamar met me there so he could take care of Calum.

The doctor examined me and immediately sent me to get an ultrasound. The thought was that I had retained placenta from the birth. The whole experience was no party. Turns out that I just have an infection. No idea how I got it, but I did. I am now on a round of antibiotics to clear it up.

Lora went and got my medicine and drove me home. She even had us come over to her house for dinner since I was in no condition to even think about cooking. I do not know what I would do without her right now. She even went grocery shopping for me on Thursday since I was unable to leave the house.

I still have to take it easy until all my symptoms clear up. I feel the walls of the house closing in on me. I have spent so much time laying down and watching TV, that I am sure my brain has turned to mush. I just want to feel normal again.